Drugging in Abusive Relationships

Drugging in Abusive Relationships

Narcissistic Abuse, Sacred Sisterhood

Drugging in Abusive Relationships

Ami Elsius Holistic Trauma Healing Program

Written by Ami Elsius

Drugging in Abusive Relationships and Exploitative Dynamics

The Hidden Nature of Drugging in Abusive Relationships

Manipulation Behind Closed Doors

Drugging in intimate relationships is a weapon of control, used to manipulate a partner’s state of mind and body. Unlike physical violence, which leaves visible marks, drugging is invisible—both literally and figuratively. Abusers often use this method to:

  • Exert Control: Keeping a partner docile and compliant.
  • Facilitate Sexual Abuse: Rendering the victim unable to resist or remember.
  • Create Psychological Dependence: Controlling access to medication or drugs.
  • Isolate and Discredit: Making the victim seem mentally unstable or intoxicated.

A Closer Look at Drugging Tactics

In these relationships, drugging can manifest in various forms:

  • Sedation and Submission: Abusers may introduce sedatives into meals or drinks, causing the victim to become unusually drowsy, compliant, or confused. This tactic ensures that the victim doesn’t question the abuser’s actions and remains passive.
  • Surreptitious Drugging: Abusers might disguise a drug as a vitamin, or convince the victim that a certain medication is necessary for health. Over time, this breeds dependency, making it easier for the abuser to exert control over medical care.
  • Psychological Gaslighting: The victim, repeatedly experiencing confusion or lapses in memory, begins to question their reality. This is often accompanied by gaslighting—abusers making the victim feel they are “crazy” or mentally unwell, making them more isolated and dependent.

Psychological Impacts on Victims

 

  • Loss of Trust in Their Own Judgment: Constant drugging leads to severe confusion, fostering self-doubt.
  • Cognitive Impairment: Prolonged exposure to certain substances can affect memory, decision-making, and emotional regulation.
  • Emotional and Mental Isolation: Even if a victim has suspicions about their abuser, the fear of not being believed—or feeling unsure if the events even occurred—can be isolating.
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Drugging in Abusive Relationships and Exploitative Dynamics

The Story of Giselle Pericot

A Survivor’s Fight for Justice

In 2020, Gisèle Pelicot discovered she had been the victim of a decade-long nightmare. Her husband of 50 years, Dominique Pelicot, had been secretly drugging her with sedatives and inviting strangers into their home to rape her while she lay unconscious in bed. The abuse came to light when Dominique was arrested for attempting to take illicit photos in a supermarket, leading police to uncover his extensive digital archive. What they found shocked everyone: thousands of images and videos documenting assaults on Gisèle, as well as explicit evidence of the meticulous planning behind these crimes.

“It’s not for us to have shame—it’s for them” she told the courtroom making it clear that her decision to open the trial to the public was a conscious choice to shift the burden of shame from victims to perpetrators. “I want all women who have been raped to say: Madame Pelicot did it, I can too. I don’t want them to be ashamed any longer,” she emphasized, hoping her courage would empower other victims to come forward.

Despite years of confusion over health problems, which she initially attributed to early Alzheimer’s or another illness, it was only in 2020 that Gisèle learned the real cause. Dominique had been secretly administering crushed sleeping pills in her food and drink, causing “total blackouts” that lasted through the night. In those moments, he would not only violate her but invite others to join him, orchestrating over 200 assaults with more than 90 different men, according to investigators.

Gisèle’s willingness to share her story and expose the videos of the assaults during the trial has made her a symbol of resilience. For her, it’s about more than personal justice—it’s about societal change. “Bravery means jumping into the sea to rescue someone. I just have will and determination,” she said. Her testimony underscores the courage it takes to face trauma publicly, especially when that trauma involves a loved one’s betrayal.

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Drugging as a Tool for Sexual Exploitation

Facilitating Sexual Violations

Sexual abuse facilitated through drugging often leaves victims with fragmented memories or no recollection at all, which can be profoundly disorienting and traumatic. This form of abuse includes:

  • Non-Consensual Recording: Abusers may film or photograph drugged victims during sexual acts, exploiting them when they are most vulnerable.
  • Selling and Sharing Non-Consensual Content: Some abusers distribute images or videos to humiliate the victim, gain control, or even for monetary gain—turning a deeply personal violation into a public spectacle.
  • Profit and Fetishization: Disturbingly, there is a market that fetishizes unconsciousness or drugged partners. Some abusers post videos on adult sites, reinforcing a culture that normalizes exploitation and non-consent.
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The Rise of Revenge Porn and Blackmail

Drugging often intersects with other abusive tactics, like revenge porn:

  • Blackmail: Threatening to share compromising material becomes a tool to keep victims trapped. The fear of exposure—especially in communities or workplaces where such revelations can cause immense harm—paralyzes many victims from seeking help.
  • Revenge Porn: Posting non-consensual sexual imagery online, sometimes years after the relationship has ended, is a way for abusers to regain control over former partners, using their darkest moments as leverage.

The Role of the Internet in Facilitating Abuse

The anonymity and accessibility of the internet allow abusers to distribute non-consensual material with little risk of consequence. Despite increasing awareness and legal measures in some countries, many platforms still fail to protect victims adequately. The process of getting non-consensual material removed can be long, arduous, and re-traumatizing for survivors.

Research and Case Studies in Drug-Facilitated Abuse

Famous Cases and Documented Scandals

The cases of Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Epstein and Sean P. Diddy Combs brought national attention to the concept of drug-facilitated sexual abuse, albeit outside the realm of intimate relationships. These high-profile cases underline the extent to which drugs can be used to manipulate and control.

  • Bill Cosby: Convicted of drugging and sexually assaulting women over a period of years, Cosby’s case was one of the first to shine a spotlight on the long history of drug-facilitated abuse by powerful individuals.
  • Jeffrey Epstein: Allegations involved the use of drugs to incapacitate young women and girls for the purpose of exploitation, revealing a network of systemic abuse and manipulation within elite circles.
  • Sean P. Diddy Combs: With the case still open as I write this, allegedly he would put GHB, Rohynol (known as the date rape drug) in drinks and in baby oil and lotions to facilitate sexual assaults on his victims 

Documented Cases of Intimate Partner Drugging

Within intimate relationships, drugging remains vastly underreported, but research is beginning to document its prevalence:

  • The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) reports that up to 20% of women in abusive relationships have experienced substance-related coercion.
  • A UK Study highlighted that coercive control often includes subtle forms of drugging, such as administering or withholding medication without consent.

Survivor Stories: Shining a Light on Hidden Abuse

In domestic violence shelters, survivor accounts often reveal that victims only discovered the drugging after leaving the relationship. Some victims described persistent health issues and cognitive fog that lifted once they were free from their abuser’s influence, highlighting the long-term health consequences of covert drugging.

 

Lucia, sedated by her husband and in-laws. 

I have personally met and talked to several women that report being drugged by their partners. One of those women, from Sicily, was drugged by her husband and in-laws to prevent her from pursuing a carer and driving her car, they kept telling her she was better off being a housewife and was to absentminded to be out and about driving. After a car accident when she fell asleep at the wheel (in the middle of the day) and hit a tree. She was thankfully not injured but the hospital took a standard drug test. They found strong sedatives in the samples. She said she he didn’t use any sedatives or sleeping aids. They asked her to come back in a few days and do the test again.  So she did and it still showed she had sedatives in her system. As she insisted she had not taken any, the nurse encouraged her to only consume food and drinks she had personally prepared for the following 10 days and then come back and do the test again. No sedatives in the sample. 

If in doubt, this is what I suggest you do. Go test yourself at two different times, if you discover traces of drugs you have not taken, go one to two weeks only eating and drinking what you have personally prepared and then do the same test again. 

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Psychological Insights and Expert Opinions

The Psychology Behind Drugging as a Form of Control

Psychologists and relationship experts emphasize that drugging is not merely about sex or submission—it’s about power. Lundy Bancroft, a leading expert on abusive relationships, notes that drugging reflects a deep need for control, where the abuser decides not only what the victim does but what they feel and remember.

Coercive Control: A Broader Understanding

Drugging falls under the umbrella of coercive control—a pattern of behavior aimed at dominating a partner. This can include physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse. Sandra Horley, CEO of Refuge, stresses that drug-facilitated abuse is an “invisible tactic,” making it harder to detect and prosecute but no less damaging.

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Practical Advice for Victims and Allies

Recognizing the Warning Signs

It’s essential to educate both potential victims and their support networks on the warning signs of drugging:

  • Memory Lapses or Confusion: If you often feel disoriented after meals or drinks prepared by your partner, this might indicate tampering.
  • Physical Symptoms: Unusual fatigue, dizziness, or grogginess that occurs sporadically and without clear cause.
  • Behavioral Changes in the Abuser: If a partner insists on controlling food or medication, isolates you from doctors, or becomes defensive when questioned, take note.

Building a Safety Plan

Creating a safety plan is crucial if drugging is suspected:

  1. Document Suspicious Events: Keep a hidden journal of your symptoms, documenting dates, times, and what you ate or drank.
  2. Seek Medical Help Discreetly: If possible, see a trusted healthcare professional without your partner present, and request a comprehensive test for potential substances.
  3. Reach Out to Support Services: Contact local domestic violence hotlines or abuse shelters for guidance. They can help create a safe plan for leaving if necessary.

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY 

From Anxiety and Confusion to Calm and Clarity.

You’ve Survived Narcissistic Abuse—Now It’s Time to Heal and Reclaim Your Power. Living through narcissistic abuse leaves invisible scars—on your mind, your body, and your spirit. The manipulation, gaslighting,  and constant emotional abuse can disrupt your entire system, leaving you feeling anxious, disconnected, and unable to trust yourself.

But what if you could break free from the cycle of fear and overwhelm? What if you could reset your nervous system, reclaim your voice, and truly heal?

 

Take me to the program

I Help You Move From Surviving To Thriving

Transform Pain Into Empowerment

Hi, my name is Ami Elsius; I’m a Trauma-Informed Holistic Wellness Coach who helps victims of narcissistic abuse go from living in a state of anxiety, hypervigilance, and self-doubt to feeling peaceful, emotionally stable, and confident. The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, with its holistic approach, community support, comprehensive toolbox, and flexible solutions, will give you measurable and lasting results.

Having both personal and professional experience of narcissistic abuse and trauma healing, I understand the specific challenges you are facing and know the recipe for and roadmap to freedom, inner calm, and empowerment. I’d love to share it with you and give you all the tools and support you need to be happy, peaceful and free. 

Research and Statistics—Understanding the Scope

Existing Research and the Need for More Data

Research on drug-facilitated abuse within intimate relationships remains limited, but emerging data highlights its prevalence:

  • Underreporting Due to Stigma and Confusion: Victims of drug-facilitated abuse often don’t realize what’s happening to them until long after the fact. The psychological manipulation associated with this form of abuse—often labeled as “gaslighting”—can leave victims confused, unsure if they are genuinely experiencing abuse or if it’s “all in their head.” This makes accurate statistics difficult to obtain.
  • Studies on Domestic Abuse Shelters: In one UK-based study, many women seeking refuge reported that their partners controlled their access to medication, either by withholding it or by administering it without their consent. These cases are often intertwined with gaslighting tactics, where abusers create health crises to ensure dependency and control.
  • Findings from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV): A survey found that nearly 1 in 5 women in abusive relationships had encountered some form of substance-related manipulation, including drugging without their consent. This points to a broader, underrecognized problem.

Gaps in the Legal and Clinical Framework

Due to the covert nature of drugging, there are significant gaps in both the legal system and clinical practice when it comes to recognizing and responding to this abuse:

  • Inadequate Legal Protections: The legal system often requires concrete evidence for prosecution—something that is notoriously hard to gather in cases of drugging. Victims may not immediately recognize the abuse, leading to a delay in reporting. Additionally, law enforcement may not be trained to look for the subtle signs of drugging unless it’s explicitly mentioned by the victim, which is often not the case.
  • Limited Clinical Awareness: Medical professionals may not recognize the signs of drug-facilitated abuse if they are not asking the right questions. Routine screenings for substance abuse during medical check-ups may miss the mark if practitioners don’t suspect that the reported symptoms are related to drugging within an abusive relationship. Experts advocate for more trauma-informed care and specific training on identifying covert abuse tactics.
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    Research Statistics from Related Fields

    Several studies from adjacent fields give a sense of the broader context:

    • Date Rape Drugs: Studies in social settings, like clubs or universities, have shown that drug-facilitated sexual assaults are more common than previously believed. In the UK, a study revealed that 1 in 13 young women reported experiencing drug-facilitated sexual violence in social contexts.
    • Alcohol as a Coercive Tool: Alcohol remains the most frequently used substance in coercive sexual situations, where partners pressure victims to consume excessive amounts, leading to compliance or vulnerability. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), over 50% of sexual assaults involve alcohol, showing how substances can play a pivotal role in abusive dynamics.
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    Legal and Clinical Perspectives—Challenges in Recognizing and Prosecuting Drug-Facilitated Abuse

    The Legal Landscape: Barriers to Justice

    The legal system faces significant hurdles when it comes to prosecuting cases of drug-facilitated abuse:

    • Lack of Evidence: Evidence of drugging is inherently difficult to obtain, especially if the victim delays seeking medical help. Most substances leave the system quickly, and without a timely blood or urine test, proving drugging becomes almost impossible.
    • Invisibility of the Crime: Unlike physical abuse, drugging doesn’t leave visible marks. This “invisible” nature makes it harder for law enforcement to take allegations seriously without corroborating evidence.
    • Coercive Control Not Fully Recognized: Some regions are beginning to legally recognize coercive control as a form of domestic abuse, but this is far from universal. Where it is recognized, drug-facilitated abuse can fall under this category, but it still faces the challenge of proof.

    Forensic and Clinical Challenges

    Medical professionals, forensic nurses, and psychologists are on the frontline of identifying and documenting abuse, yet they face their own set of challenges:

    • Testing Limitations: Many hospitals have limited drug panels, focusing on common substances like alcohol or narcotics. Designer drugs or prescription medications might go undetected unless specifically tested for.
    • Forensic Expertise: Forensic nurses play a critical role in abuse cases, but many regions lack trained personnel. Even in areas with forensic expertise, the burden of documentation falls on the victim, who may be hesitant or confused.
    • Legal and Clinical Coordination: Improving communication between medical professionals and law enforcement is crucial for gathering and preserving evidence, yet systemic barriers remain. Some advocates call for specialized training for healthcare providers on identifying drug-facilitated abuse within intimate relationships.
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    The Psychological Toll—Impact on Victims

    Emotional and Cognitive Consequences of Drugging

    Drug-facilitated abuse goes beyond the immediate act; it has long-term psychological and emotional effects:

    • Erosion of Self-Trust: Victims often doubt their own judgment, questioning if they’re exaggerating or imagining symptoms. This erosion of self-trust is a core aspect of psychological manipulation and gaslighting.
    • Memory and Cognitive Issues: Drugs can affect memory formation, leading to gaps in recollection. Victims may find themselves confused or disoriented, struggling to remember events or understand what happened. This creates a vulnerability that abusers exploit, casting doubt on any accusations.
    • Anxiety and PTSD: Repeated incidents of drugging can lead to symptoms akin to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), including flashbacks, hypervigilance, and panic attacks. Victims might develop severe anxiety, especially around food, drink, or medical settings, fearing that they might be drugged again.

    The Social and Relational Impact

    The consequences of drugging extend into the social and relational realms:

    • Isolation from Support Networks: Victims often withdraw from friends and family, feeling embarrassed or confused about their symptoms. This isolation is frequently encouraged by the abuser, who may manipulate the victim into believing that nobody else would understand or believe them.
    • Shame and Guilt: Feelings of shame are common, particularly if the abuse was sexual. Victims may blame themselves for not realizing they were being drugged or feel guilty for staying in the relationship.
    • Mistrust of Medical and Legal Systems: Due to the challenges in proving drug-facilitated abuse, many victims feel abandoned by institutions. A lack of understanding and support from medical and legal professionals can exacerbate this mistrust, making it harder for victims to seek help.

     

    Practical Advice for Professionals and Support Networks

    Best Practices for Healthcare Professionals

    Medical professionals, including doctors, nurses, and therapists, can play a pivotal role in recognizing and responding to drug-facilitated abuse:

    • Ask Specific Questions: In cases where domestic abuse is suspected, it’s vital to ask about symptoms of drugging. Questions such as, “Have you ever felt unusually disoriented or fatigued after eating or drinking?” can open up the conversation.
    • Utilize Trauma-Informed Care: Adopt a trauma-informed approach that emphasizes empathy, validation, and support. Creating a safe space where victims feel believed is crucial.
    • Improve Training and Awareness: Advocate for more comprehensive training in recognizing the subtle signs of coercive drug use within abusive dynamics. Hospitals and clinics should consider incorporating training modules on identifying domestic abuse that involves drugging.

    Guidelines for Legal Professionals

    Legal professionals, including law enforcement officers, prosecutors, and defense attorneys, can make a difference in how drug-facilitated abuse cases are handled:

    • Gather Comprehensive Evidence: Encourage law enforcement to treat allegations seriously and to collect all potential evidence, including any suspicious items found in the home, digital communication, or witness statements.
    • Educate on Coercive Control: Recognize drugging as part of a broader pattern of coercive control. Understanding this context can improve how cases are presented in court and may increase the likelihood of a successful prosecution.
    • Coordinate with Medical Experts: Build partnerships with forensic nurses and clinical psychologists who specialize in abuse cases. Their expertise can be instrumental in court proceedings, especially when physical evidence is lacking.

    Advice for Support Networks—Friends, Family, and Advocates

    Supporting a loved one or client who might be experiencing drug-facilitated abuse requires sensitivity and caution:

    • Be Observant and Non-Judgmental: If someone you know is showing signs of confusion, lethargy, or unexplained illness, gently express concern without making them feel judged. Validate their experiences and refrain from making definitive conclusions.
    • Encourage Medical Independence: Suggest that they see a healthcare professional without their partner’s presence. Offer to accompany them to provide emotional support and ensure they can speak openly.
    • Respect Their Autonomy: Don’t push them to leave the relationship before they are ready. Focus on building trust and offering information about resources, such as hotlines, shelters, or legal advice.

     

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    Prevention and Awareness—What We Can Do as a Society

    Educating the Public

    Raising awareness is one of the most effective ways to prevent drug-facilitated abuse:

    • Media Campaigns: Use media—social media, articles, podcasts, and video content—to highlight the issue of drugging within relationships. Stories from survivors can humanize the data and make the issue more relatable.
    • Educational Workshops: Schools, universities, and community centers can host workshops on recognizing and preventing drug-facilitated abuse. These workshops should emphasize the role of coercive control and non-consensual imagery as abuse.

    Improving Legislation and Advocacy

    Legal reforms can significantly impact how these cases are handled:

    • Advocate for Stronger Laws: Support legislation that criminalizes coercive control and enhances penalties for drug-facilitated sexual abuse. Push for clearer guidelines on evidence collection and increased funding for forensic resources.
    • Support for Survivors: Encourage the creation of survivor-focused resources that provide legal advice, healthcare, and psychological support. The burden of proof in such cases should be balanced with a compassionate understanding of the challenges victims face.

    Supporting Grassroots Movements

    Empower local communities to get involved:

    • Form Survivor Networks: Create confidential support networks where survivors can share their experiences and provide peer guidance.
    • Involve Local Organizations: Partner with domestic violence shelters, mental health charities, and legal advocacy groups to ensure a comprehensive approach to supporting victims.

     

    A Call to Action

    Addressing drug-facilitated abuse within relationships is a complex challenge that requires a collective effort from individuals, communities, and systems. By shedding light on this hidden abuse, we create a path toward healing and justice, ensuring that survivors feel seen, heard, and supported. This is not merely about exposing a dark reality but about changing a culture that often fails to recognize the most invisible forms of violence.

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    Leaving an abusive relationship can be quite difficult. Victims of abuse often do not realize that they are being abused or they are led to believe that they are the cause of their own abuse. Once you realize that you are being abused and you are ready to leave, you should do so quickly and carefully to avoid potential escalation and violence that could endanger your life. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, use any and all resources available to you, and get out safely. 

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    How to Safely Leave an Abusive Relationship

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    Staying safe before and after leaving abuse

    Safety planning is a crucial step for someone involved in an abusive relationship. These practical plans can help you stay safe while you are still with your abuser, as you prepare to leave, and after the relationship has ended. While still in an abusive relationship, your safety is of primary importance. Safety planning involves how to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action and more.
    A good safety plan will have all of the vital information you need and be tailored to your unique situation, and will help walk you through different scenarios.
    Although some of the things that you outline in your safety plan may seem obvious, it’s important to remember that in moments of crisis your brain doesn’t function the same way as when you are calm. When adrenaline is pumping through your veins it can be hard to think clearly or make logical decisions about your safety. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you to protect yourself in those stressful moments.

    Safety while you are still with your abuser 
    when there’s physical violence

    • Identify your partner’s use and level of force so that you can assess the risk of physical danger to you and your children before it occurs.
    • Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and there are ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.
    • Don’t run to where the children are, as your partner may hurt them as well.
    • If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target. Dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined.
    • If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know what numbers to call for help. Know where the nearest public phone is located. Know the phone number to your local shelter. If your life is in danger, call the police.
    • Let trusted friends and neighbours know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help.
    • Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal to them that they should get help or leave the house.
    • Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you, nor they, are at fault or are the cause of the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to stay safe.
    • Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.
    • Plan for what you will do if your children tells your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.
    • Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.
    • Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and others locked — for a quick escape.
    • Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you.
    • Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.
    • Call a domestic violence hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive understanding ear.

    .

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    I Help You Move From Surviving To Thriving

    Transform Pain Into Empowerment

    Hi, my name is Ami Elsius; I’m a Trauma-Informed Holistic Wellness Coach who helps victims of narcissistic abuse go from living in a state of anxiety, hypervigilance, and self-doubt to feeling peaceful, emotionally stable, and confident. The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, with its holistic approach, community support, comprehensive toolbox, and flexible solutions, will give you measurable and lasting results.

    Having both personal and professional experience of narcissistic abuse and trauma healing, I understand the specific challenges you are facing and know the recipe for and roadmap to freedom, inner calm, and empowerment.

    Ami Elsius Trauma Informed Holistic Wellness Coach

    Prepairing to leave your abuser

    Find a secure means of seeking help. Phone records and call logs can be checked. Computers’ browser histories can be traced. You can try erasing your call log or internet cookies and history. Some browsers also allow you to set them to “private” mode. But if you are worried that your abuser is monitoring your communication with others, you might want to find another computer or phone to use.
    Most public libraries offer computers with internet access to community members. This could be a good place to start.
    You may want to get a prepaid cellular phone. This could come in handy while looking for help and later, when you actually leave.
    You could also use a friend or neighbor’s computer or phone. If necessary, make an excuse such as your own computer or phone being broken.

    Screen Shot 2018 10 01 at 17.20.29

    Contact an organization that can help

    Most areas have local resources to help victims of abuse. If you are not sure where to start or if you want to talk to someone about planning to leave an abusive relationship, begin with the following resources.

    Discuss with a help organisation if you should move to shelter. Know where to go as you leave and have a backup plan if your partner finds our or the plan gets interrupted.
    If you haven’t done so before, start talking to your friends and relatives about your situation. Reach out to someone you trust, or someone you sued to trust before the abuse and ask for help. Try to be specific with what you would like for them to do for you (such as let you stay with them, keep your “escape bag,” call the police for you if you give them a “code word,” etc.)
    Most abusers isolate their victims, make them feel helpless and insecure and “train” them to not trust anyone. A big part in healing is to start talking about your situation and the support from friends and family can prove to be crucial when leaving.

    Make an escape plan

    Establish emergency funds or credit. If your abuser keeps money tightly controlled, withholds money from you, or does not allow you to earn your own money, it can be difficult to establish an emergency fund. Keep any change you can keep, return items to a store for cash back, hide any money given to you as a gift, or find other ways to build some emergency cash. If you can’t get emergency cash, try applying for a credit card in your name, but be sure that you have statements sent to a PO Box, a work address, or even to a friend’s house so that your abuser does not find out. Do not access your credit card account from your home computer.

     

    • Pack and hide a “getaway bag” You should have an emergency bag with necessities in it. Be sure that you hide the bag very well (you may even want to leave it at someone else’s house.) You pack light, but include the following in your bag:
    • Changes of clothing for you and any children
    • Copies of important documents (birth certificates, passports, driver’s license, bank or credit card account information, pay stubs, social security card(s),

    If time is available, also take:

    • Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
    • Titles, deeds and other property information
    • Medical records
    • Children’s school and immunization records
    • Insurance information
    • Addressbook
    • Copy of marriage license, birth certificates, will and other legal documents
    • Verification of social security numbers
    • Medications for you or your children
    • Special personal items like photographs, personal possessions or jewellery
    • A prepaid cellphone (don’t take your usual cellphone with you as it can be tracked and delete your call and search history before you go)
    • Jewellery or other small items you could sell in need of money
    • Non-perishable snacks
    magazine 18

    The red allert mode is supposed to be used in rare life threatening situations, not as your default setting. -Ami Elsius

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    Gather evidence of abuse

    You should certainly not provoke instances of abuse solely to gather evidence, but it may help you take legal action in the future if you do collect evidence of abuse. Take pictures of injuries, destroyed objects, or a room that was trashed during a violent episode, keep bloodied clothing or towels, and collect any documentation about hospital visits due to abuse.
    Also advisable to keep detailed a diary of the abuse.
    Whenever you are injured in an episode of violence, you should seek medical treatment in the emergency room and keep the records. This could be key to being awarded an order of protection, custody or your children, or a contested divorce.

    • Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made, if possible. Keep them in a hidden safe place.
    • Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.
    • Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them, like a room with a lock or a friend’s house where they can go for help. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
    • Contact a local help organisation to find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis.
    • Acquire job skills or take courses at a community college as you can.
    • Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.
    • Hide an extra car key and make sure it’s still there before you attempt to leave.
    • Park the car for quick access, keep the drivers door unlocked (just before you plan to escape) and the other doors locked (unless you have children that you bring with you)
    • Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbours, close family members and mutual friends.
    AdobeStock 291088292

    Decide whether you should take your children with you

    You should talk to an attorney before you leave about taking your children with you. While you should absolutely keep them away from harm, you do not want to harm your potential to keep them safe in the future by harming your chances of getting or maintaining custody of your children.

    Make plans for your pets

    Make a plan for pets Too many people (particularly women) stay in an abusive relationship because they fear for what will happen to their pets if they leave. Some shelters may allow you to take a pet with you. If you cannot, you may be able to leave the pet with a neighbor or friend or even take it to a no-kill shelter for safekeeping. In the end, you need to realize that your own life is more important than that of a pet, however difficult that can be to swallow.

    Leave during a safe window of time

    You should most likely leave while your abuser is away from home (unless a violent episode necessitates an immediate escape). Plan and prepare to leave at a time when your abuser will be out of the house, ideally for a few hours. Give yourself plenty of time to gather your emergency bag and get to a safe place before your abuser even realizes that you are gone.
    You do not have to leave a note or an explanation for why you are leaving. It is okay to just leave.
    If you do not have access to your own transportation, make arrangements to have someone pick you up. If you fear that you are in imminent danger, you can have the police pick you up and remove you from your home.

    Don’t take your cell phone with you

    Copy down important numbers in another place (or memorize them.) Your cell phone could be set for tracking without your knowledge, so leaving it behind can help you leave behind your abuser.
    Consider getting a prepaid cell phone and having it packed in your emergency bag. This could allow you to make important calls related to your escape and safety without potentially leading your abuser to you.

    Get away quickly without being followed

    While you should likely go straight to your safe place (a shelter or to stay with a friend or family member), you may want to take an indirect route and be observant to be sure that you are not being followed. Try to merge into traffic, take side roads, turn around and retrace part of your route, and notice any cars that seem to be going the same way you are going.

    Create a false trail after you leave

    If you think that your abuser will try to follow you, think about creating a false trail after you have left. Use your own cell phone to place calls to a hotel at least 6 hours away from your true destination. Use a shared credit card or bank account to prepay for the hotel room, and have an email confirmation sent to a shared or monitored email account. You can also book a rental car in the same place or leave a message for a real estate agent and ask her to call you back at your home phone number.
    Do not take these steps before you leave, as they could tip your abuser off as to the fact that you are going to leave, which could incite a violent reaction.
    If you use your own cell phone to create a false trail, be sure to discard it or abandon it before you get to where you are really going.

    Go directly to a safe place

    Wherever your safe place is, go there. The benefit of going to a shelter or an abuse victim support organization is that they have employees or volunteers who are trained to help you with the “what now?” that you will likely feel after you leave.
    If you do go to stay with a friend or family, you should still consider reaching out to a victim support organization, which can direct you towards legal help, counseling, support groups, employment training, and financial support.

    Free Mental Health Resources
    Screen Shot 2018 10 01 at 17.20.47

    Leave during a safe window of time

    You should most likely leave while your abuser is away from home (unless a violent episode necessitates an immediate escape). Plan and prepare to leave at a time when your abuser will be out of the house, ideally for a few hours. Give yourself plenty of time to gather your emergency bag and get to a safe place before your abuser even realizes that you are gone.
    You do not have to leave a note or an explanation for why you are leaving. It is okay to just leave.
    If you do not have access to your own transportation, make arrangements to have someone pick you up. If you fear that you are in imminent danger, you can have the police pick you up and remove you from your home.

     

     

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    Have a plan to ensure your immediate safety

    No matter how careful you are, there may be a chance that your abuser could follow you or track you down. Have a plan for dealing with that contingency. Your plan should probably involve calling the police immediately.
    If your abuser shows up and begs you to come back home, do not go. At this point, the abuser will likely say anything to lure you back home, but you will not be safe if you go back.

    Request extra layers of protection

    Some companies require only your Social Security Number and your mother’s maiden name to access secure information. If you were married to your abuser, he or she likely has this information. Ask if the company offers any additional account protection, or provide an answer to security questions that is inaccurate (but that you still remember). For example, you could provide your paternal grandmother’s maiden name instead of your mother’s.

    .

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    Change your work habits

    If you have a job, talk to your employer about making changes to ensure your safety. Some states have laws that require employers to make reasonable accommodations for survivors of abuse.[20] Find out if you can change locations, work different hours, or have extra personal security when traveling from your workplace to your vehicle.

    Have an unlisted number and confidential address. When you have moved to a new home, get an unlisted home phone number. For mail, get a P.O. Box or ask the post office about your state’s confidential address program. These steps will make it more difficult to track down your specific location.
    If you have children, be sure to talk to them about keeping their home address confidential and not sharing it with your abuser or with strangers.

    Change all of your passwords

    Any account you have online could be a window into personal information. To be safe, change all of your passwords for any account; financial accounts, social media accounts, email accounts, etc. In fact, you may want to disable social media accounts temporarily (or permanently) and change your email address.

    Contact an attorney

    You will likely need an attorney to support you through the legal battle(s) that you may have to face. If you were married to your abuser, if you had children together, or if you are an immigrant, you will need to make legal changes that an attorney can help with.
    If you do not have money, you may still be able to get an attorney. Some attorneys will include a suit for fees from your abuser in the event of a court case in your favor. Some may also take your case “pro bono,” or as an act of charity.

    magazine 18

    If you are brave enough to say goodby, life will reward you with a hello. – Paulo Coehlo

    Ask a shelter for guidance or resources

    Most shelters will provide guidance towards legal help. Some even offer free legal services for survivors of domestic violence. Even if you are not staying at a shelter, you should contact the organization (most have a help line) to inquire about free or low-cost legal services.
    Some organizations help with immigration services for immigrant victims of domestic violence; don’t stay in an abusive situation because you fear deportation. You have the right to be free of violence even if you are an immigrant.

    File for a personal protection order (PPO)

    A PPO is a court-backed document that allows you legal protection from a past abuser. To file for a PPO, take any and all evidence of abuse you have as well as a letter describing the abusive situation and the relationship between you and your abuser to your local courthouse. They should provide you with further instructions about how to fill out the appropriate paperwork to get a legal PPO.
    After you file for your PPO, if it is approved, it will need to be legally served to your abuser, and you will need to file a proof of service with the court. Talk to the clerk at the courthouse about how to do this.
    Once you have a PPO, keep it with you at all times. If your abuser violates the terms of the PPO, you may need to show the PPO to the police.
    Be aware that a PPO does not guarantee your protection. It makes it easier to have your abuser arrested in the event of further incidents, but a PPO is often not enough to keep a violent abuser away from you completely.

     

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    Take the appropriate steps for divorce or child custody

    Once you have left your abuser, you will need to cut legal ties. If you were unmarried and did not have children, this may be as easy as canceling joint accounts. If you were married and had children, you may face complicated legal battles that will require seeing your abuser (in the courtroom if nowhere else). Be prepared for this by leaning on the support systems you now have in place—the shelter, your legal counsel, your friends and family, and a therapist.

    File assault charges

    If you have been recently assaulted, or if you have records of abuse (police and/or medical records), file assault charges against your abuser. You might be able to file for assault without physical evidence (particularly if you can provide witnesses to your abuse), but it will be much easier if you collected physical evidence of assault before you left.
    You will likely have a case against your abuser that has multiple levels (for example, you might file for divorce, sue for child custody, file for assault, and request a PPO). The complicated nature of these charges necessitates a lawyer.

    Transformering puppa till fjaril
    magazine 18

    Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

    Go To Abuse Recovery Page

    After you leave your abuser
    If the offender is leaving your home:

    • Change your locks and phone number.
    • Change your work hours and usual route to and from work.
    • Change the route taken to transport children to and from school.
    • If you are leaving or moving to a new residence:
 Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail.
 Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports.
 Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
    • Change your work hours, if possible.
    • Alert school authorities of the situation.
 Consider changing your children’s schools.
    • If you need to get a restraining order, RDAP can help. After you have the order in place:
    • Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
 Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
 Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
 Call law enforcement to enforce the order if necessary.
      In general, the following measures can help you stay safe after leaving an abuser.

    • Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of.
    • Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
    • Alert neighbours and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
    • Talk to trusted people about the violence.
    • Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible.
    • Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
    • Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
    • Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order, if you have one.
    • Call the telephone company to request caller ID for any landlines. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your former partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
    AdobeStock 176257070 Preview

    Safety-plan with your children

    If you are in an abusive relationship, a safety plan should include ways that your children can stay safe when violence is happening in your home. It’s key to remember that if the violence is escalating, you should avoid running to the children because your partner may hurt them as well.

    • Planning for Violence in the Home
    • Teach your children when and how to call 911.
    • Instruct them to leave the home if possible when things begin to escalate, and where they can go.
    • Come up with a code word that you can say when they need to leave the home in case of an emergency  — make sure that they know not to tell others what the secret word means.
    • In the house: identify a room they can go to when they’re afraid and something they can think about when they’re scared.
    • Instruct them to stay out of the kitchen, bathroom and other areas where there are items that could be used as weapons.
    • Teach them that although they want to protect their parent, they should never intervene.
      Help them make a list of people that they are comfortable talking with and expressing themselves to.
      Enroll them in a counseling program. Local service providers often have children’s programs.
    Screen Shot 2018 10 01 at 17.20.29

    Safety-planning when pregnant

    Pregnancy is a time of change. Pregnancy can be full of excitement but also comes with an added need for support. It’s natural to need emotional support from a partner, as well as perhaps financial assistance, help to prepare for the baby and more.
    If your partner is emotionally or physically abusive toward you, it can make these months of transition especially difficult. Thankfully, there are resources available to help expecting women get the support needed for a safe, healthy pregnancy.
    According to the CDC, intimate partner violence affects approximately 1.5 million women each year and affects as many as 324,000 pregnant women each year. Pregnancy can be an especially dangerous time for women in abusive relationships, and abuse can often begin or escalate during the pregnancy.

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    Planning for Unsupervised Visits


    If you have separated from an abusive partner and are concerned for your childrens’ safety when they visit your ex, developing a safety plan for while they are visiting can be beneficial.
    Brainstorm with your children (if they are old enough) to come up with ways that they can stay safe using the same model as you would for your own home. Have them identify where they can get to a phone, how they can leave the house, and who they can go to.
    If it’s safe to do, send a cell phone with the children to be used in emergency situations — this can be used to call 911, a neighbor or you if they need aid.

    Planning for Safe Custody Exchanges

    Avoid exchanging custody at your home or your partner’s home.
    Meet in a safe, public place such as a restaurant, a bank/other area with lots of cameras, or even near a police station.
    Bring a friend or relative with you to the exchanges, or have them make the exchange.
    Perhaps plan to have your partner pick the children up from school at the end of the day after you drop them off in the morning – this eliminates the chances of seeing each other.
    Emotional safety plan as well – figure out something to do before the exchange to calm any nerves you’re feeling, and something after to focus on yourself or the kids, such as going to a park or doing a fun activity.

    How to Have These Conversations

    Let your child know that what’s happening is not their fault and that they didn’t cause it. Let them know how much you love them and that you support them no matter what. Tell them that you want to protect them and that you want everyone to be safe, so you have to come up with a plan to use in case of emergencies. It’s important to remember that when you’re safety planning with a child, they might tell this information to the abusive partner, which could make the situation more dangerous (ex. “Mom said to do this if you get angry.”) When talking about these plans with your child, use phrases such as “We’re practicing what to do in an emergency,” instead of “We’re planning what you can do when dad/mom becomes violent.”

     

    How can you get help?

    • If you’re pregnant, there is always a heightened risk during violent situations.
    • If you’re in a home with stairs, try to stay on the first floor.
    • Getting into the fetal position around your stomach if you’re being attacked is another tactic that can be instrumental in staying safe.
    • Doctor’s visits can be an opportunity to discuss what is going on in your relationship.
    • If your partner goes to these appointments with you, try to find a moment when they’re out of the room to ask your care provider (or even the front desk receptionist) about coming up with an excuse to talk to them one-on-one.
    • If you’ve decided to leave your relationship, a health care provider can become an active participant in your plan to leave.
    • If possible, see if you can take a women-only prenatal class. This could be a comfortable atmosphere for discussing pregnancy concerns or could allow you to speak to the class instructor one-on-one.

     

    magazine 18

    Strenght is removing your kids from a toxic environment, NOT learning to live with it “for the sake of the kids”.

     

    Screen Shot 2018 10 01 at 17.20.22
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    Emotional safety plan

    Often, emphasis is placed on planning around physical safety, but it’s important to consider your emotional safety as well. Emotional safety can look different for different people, but ultimately it’s about developing a personalized plan that helps you feel accepting of your emotions and decisions when dealing with abuse. Below are some ideas for how to create and maintain an emotional safety plan that works for you.

    Seek out supportive people

    A caring presence such as a trusted friend or family member can help create a calm atmosphere to think through difficult situations and allow for you to discuss potential options.

    Identify and work towards achievable goals

    An achievable goal might be calling a local resource and seeing what services are available in your area, or talking to one of our advocates at The Hotline. Remember that you don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with right now, but taking small steps can help options feel more possible when you are ready.

    Create a peaceful space for yourself

    Designating a physical place where your mind can relax and feel safe can be good option when working through difficult emotions that can arise when dealing with abuse. This can be a room in your house, a spot under your favorite tree, a comfy chair by a window or in a room with low lights.

    Remind yourself of your great value

    You are important and special, and recognizing and reminding yourself of this reality is so beneficial for your emotional health. It is never your fault when someone chooses to be abusive to you, and it has no reflection on the great value you have as person.

    Remember that you deserve to be kind to yourself

    Taking time to practice self-care every day, even if it is only for a few minutes, really creates space for peace and emotional safety. It’s healthy to give yourself emotional breaks and step back from your situation sometimes. In the end, this can help you make the decisions that are best for you.

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    The Dangers of Victim Blaming: Are You Contributing?

    The Dangers of Victim Blaming: Are You Contributing?

    Narcissistic Abuse

    The Dangers of Victim Blaming: Are You Contributing?

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    Abuse, rape and sexual harassment is not the victims/survivors fault.

    While it’s good to take responsibility for ones life situation, choices and actions, it should not be put on the victim to be responsible for the abusers actions. The fact that you have been or are being abused is not your fault! The fact that someone you know has been or is being abused is not his or her fault. Victim-blaming attitudes marginalize the victim/survivor and makes it harder to come forward and report the abuse. If the survivor knows that you or society blames the victim/survivor for the abuse, she/he will not feel safe or comfortable coming forward and talking to you and asking for help. Victim-blaming attitudes also reinforce what the abuser has been saying all along; that it is the victim’s fault this is happening. Victims of abuse tends to blame themselves…I am still struggling with that… even without the ”help” of society, ”well-meaning people” police, medical personal, lawyers and judges, relatives and friends that insinuate that you somehow are to blame and is to be held responsible. It is NOT the victim’s fault or responsibility to fix the situation; it is the abuser’s choice. By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, society allows the abuser to perpetrate relationship abuse or sexual assault while avoiding accountability for those actions. In order to stop victim blaming, it is helpful to understand why people do it in the first place.

    One reason people blame a victim/survivor is to distance themselves from an unpleasant occurrence and this gives a false sense that this could not happen to them. By labeling or accusing the victim/survivor, they can the see the victim/survivor as different from themselves. People reassure themselves by thinking, “Because I am not like the victim/survivor, because I do not do that, this would never happen to me.” ”If I would have been in his/her situation, I would have acted differently” We need to help people understand that this is not a helpful reaction. Words, questions and comments that directly or indirectly puts the blame on the victim/survivor:  

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    • Did you make him/her jealous?
    • That doesn’t sound like him/her, what did you do to to pull that side out of him/her?
    • Why didn’t you fight back/fight back harder?
    • Why didn’t you yell?
    • Why didn’t you tell anyone about it?
    • You should have told me.
    • Did you hurt his/her feelings?
    • Why didn’t you ask for help?
    • Why did you let him/her hurt you?
    • You should have gone to couples therapy.
    • Why did you stay?
    • Why did you leave without trying harder?
    • Maybe he/she was really stressed, had a lot of responsibilities?
    • Can’t you just forgive him/her?
    • Can’t you just work through your indifferences?
    • Have you thought about that you maybe made him/her do it?
    • Why did you date someone like that?
    • Didn’t you see it coming?
    • You should have seen it coming.
    • Why did you get yourself into that situation in the first place?
    • It was wrong marrying him/her, having children with him/her, you should have known before?
    • But you said you were happy, you looked happy, how can that be if what you are saying is true?
    • Looks like you are a bad judge of character.
    • Maybe you deserved what happened to you?
    • Well if it happened, you should have some proof.
    • Why didn’t you go to the hospital?
    • Why didn’t you go to the police?
    • You shouldn’t have reported him/her to the police, he/she doesn’t deserve that. Do you really want to ruin his/her life, destroy his/her career, embarrass his/her family, hang out your children’s father/mother?
    • Maybe he/she wouldn’t have acted like that if you would have said or done that?
    • Maybe you made him crazy?
    • It takes two to tangle.
    • Maybe you are exaggerating?
    • Maybe over-reacting?
    • Overly picky?
    • Too sensitive?
    • Too weak?
    • Too quiet?
    • Too soft?
    • Too hard to please?
    • Were you drunk?
    • Maybe it was your fault?
    • I saw the way you smiled at him.
    • But it’s normal, you are so beautiful, haven’t you seen how people are looking at you?
    • What were you wearing?
    • Did you lead him/her on?
    • Maybe you are imagining or not remembering things rightly?
    • She/he shouldn’t have married him/her anyway.
    • They booth have problems.
    • She/he provoked him/her.
    • I am sure he/she didn’t mean to do that, it’s not really like him.
    • Maybe you don’t understand his sense of humor?
    • The dog that barks doesn’t bite (even when it has).
    • The men/women here in this country/in our family have a hot temperament, it’s normal to ”talk with their/our hands” but it means nothing, it’s not like they would beat you up.
    • But he/she is so nice, no I think it must have been a misunderstanding, he/she wouldn’t hurt you on purpose.
    • You walked through a dangerous neighborhood, what did you expect?
    • Did you wear that? Non wonder you got raped/sexually abused.
    • You talk about your sexuallity openly, no wonder people touch you without consent.
    • You’r openly gay, no wonder you can’t get certain jobs.
    • You outed yourself as a transvestite on a website, no wonder you’re discriminated against.
    • You know you shouldn’t smile at strangers, they can get all sorts of ideas.

    I have been told or asked most of the things written above. It hurts and only creates more confusion, shame and guilt. It is time to talk about abuse and to honestly look at its roots, outlets and faces; by understanding how, why, by whom, where and when abuse is inflicted and received, we can then heal from it and prevent it from happening. Playing small to protect someone else’s smallness prevents both from reaching their full potential.

    Attend our HOLISTIC NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY PROGRAM and go from anxiety and confusion to calm and clarity. 

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    You’ve Survived Narcissistic Abuse—Now It’s Time to Heal and Reclaim Your Power. Living through narcissistic abuse leaves invisible scars—on your mind, your body, and your spirit. The manipulation, gaslighting,  and constant emotional abuse can disrupt your entire system, leaving you feeling anxious, disconnected, and unable to trust yourself.

    But what if you could break free from the cycle of fear and overwhelm? What if you could reset your nervous system, reclaim your voice, and truly heal?

    Victim Blaming in Language

     

    One of the biggest sources of victim blaming is the way we talk about it; Language surrounding abuse and sexual assault immediately puts our attention on the victim instead of the perpetrator. This is a demonstration developed by Julia Penelope showing how language can be victim blaming:

    John beat Mary; This sentence is written in active voice. It is clear who is committing the violence. Mary was beaten by John; The sentence has been changed to passive voice, so Mary comes first. Mary was beaten; Notice that John is removed from the sentence completely. Mary is a battered woman; Being a battered woman is now part of Mary’s identity, and John is not a part of the statement. As you can see, the focus has shifted entirely to Mary instead of John, encouraging the audience to focus on the victim’s actions instead of the perpetrator’s actions.

    .

    Heal Abuse Victim Blaming

    This is why we MUST end vicim-blaming

      According to the WHO, information updated in January 2016:

    • Intimate partner and sexual violence are mostly perpetrated by men against women.
    • Recent global prevalence figures indicate that about 1 in 3 (35%) of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime.
    • Child sexual abuse affects both boys and girls. International studies reveal that approximately 20% of women and 5–10% of men report being victims of sexual violence as children.
    • Women aged 15-44 are more at risk from domestic violence and rape than from car accidents, cancer, war and malaria.
    • In 2012, 43,600 women were murdered worldwide (the ones counted) by their partner, ex-partner or family member.
    • In the same year, 11,133 people were killed due to terrorism. * Information from the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime and the Institute for Economics and Peace).

    Despite relentless education efforts, the picture for women remains both bleak and grave. Where there are laws designed to tackle domestic violence, only a fraction of incidents are ever reported to the police. Untold numbers of women remain trapped in violent relationships, whilst others face huge challenges in order to get free and keep safe once they have escaped.  

      A major factor in preventing women from seeking help – and much-needed constructive dialogue – is the implicit and explicit victim-blaming ingrained in public perceptions of domestic violence.  

    Domestic violence, battering and verbal/mental/emotional abuse is a global epidemic impacting more women than war and cancer combined, and many men and children are also suffering from abusive relationships.
     Ignorance, misinformation and misconceptions are actively fuelling this injustice.  
    If we’re to eradicate relationship abuse and domestic violence, we must first end victim-blaming!
    We like to imagine that the world has grown more enlightened about domestic violence. It is no longer legal – in many countries, at least – for a man to beat or rape his wife. But despite the efforts of the #MeToo movement and the fact that more countries work towards gender equality and installing laws against abuse, domestic violence remains a global epidemic, present in every culture and community worldwide. There are also some scary trends that are going in the opposite direction.

    AdobeStock 221074735

    Abuse Statistics

     

    • In 2018, more women were murdered in Italy than in any other year, since statistics were started. * EU.R.E.S Ricerche Economiche e Sociali
    • The world has more slaves now than ever in world history (trafficking / trafficking / sex slavery, with the vast majority of women).
    • Violent and abusive porn videos, especially with very young girls, have most searches on the porn sites.
    • Sex dolls who are programmers to fight against and say no are increasingly in demand.
    • Russia recently reduced the penalty for wife abuse. If the woman gets a few legs broken, the penalty is fined or 15 days imprisonment, like the penalty for speeding.
    • Countries and states reinstalling anti-abortion laws.
    •  38% of all female murders in the world occur by the woman’s partner / ex partner. * WHO (World Health Organization)
    • In Europe, only 11% of women report abuse and sexual violence. * Information from the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime and the Institute of Economics
    • Not even 1% of all rapes lead to a penalty. It is the crime that is easiest to get away with by everyone. In the United States, for example, only 5 out of 1,000 sexual acts of violence result in punishment. * Rainn statistics
    • 39.3% of Italians believe in 2018, that women can avoid being exposed to sexual violence if they cover up, if they don’t get drunk and don’t flirt.
      Facts show that women who wear burkas also get raped and sexual crimes are not more common during the summer months when people show more skin.
    • in 2018, 7.2% of Italians believe that when a woman says no to sex, that she instead means yes and that she actually wants to. * Istat Instituto nazionale di statistica
    magazine 18

    “Blaming the victim is an act of refuge and self-deception. It allows the blamer to sit in judgment, imagining some mystical justice that means bad things happen only to bad people, thus ensuring their own safety.” -Una

     “Survivors deserve our support, not our scrutiny.”

    003Heal abuse collage 1
    NJXIY5FUHJ

    What we can do about it

    • Challenge victim-blaming statements when you hear them
    • Do not agree with abusers’ excuses for why they abuse
    • Let survivors know that it is not their fault
    • Hold abusers accountable for their actions: do not let them make excuses like blaming the victim, alcohol, or drugs for their behaviour
    • Acknowledge that survivors are their own best experts and provide them with resources and support
    • Avoid victim blaming in the media
    • Reframe the question “Why does the victim stay?” to “Why does the perpetrator abuse?”
    • Inform yourself abut abuse, how the abuser work, what he/she does to control, manipulate, blame, confuse, make his victim feel like he/she is going crazy and is out of control, why people stay in relationships with abusers, understand that abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of social status, intelligence, self confidence, being well-educated and regardless of age and culture.
    • Understand that frequently asked questions and comments, like those above, often diminishes or removes the perpetrator’s/abuser’s accountability and puts it on the victim/survivor instead.

     

    magazine 18

    ”The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.” -Albert Einstein

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    Discover a sense of belonging in a community that truly gets it. Our array of events and digital interactions offers endless opportunities for engagement, growth, and genuine connections. We offer a safe and loving space, freestanding from social media.

    Don’t stumble alone in the dark. The journey ahead, while challenging at times, is not one you have to undertake alone.  

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    10 Red Flags in Dating, How to Spot a Narcissist Early

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    Narcissistic Abuse

    10 Red Flags in Dating, How to Spot a Narcissist Early

    Ami Elsius Holistic Trauma Healing Program

    Written by

    Everyone should know how to spot a narcissist, before going on a first date.

    Knowing what to look out for on those first dates can save you from years of misery with a pathological narcissist. One or two red flags might not mean anything, but if you see many of them, please be on guard, as you may be dating a narc.

    Remember, narcissists are experts in showing themselves from the very best side in the beginning, appealing to all your romantic dreams and hopes for the future.

    In fairytales, there’s a Prince Charming and a bad guy, but in real life, Prince Charming is often the bad guy. 

      Narcissim Heal Abuse 1
      1. Love Bombing: Overwhelming affection and attention too soon.
      2. Fast Pacing: Rushing into commitment or serious topics early.
      3. Extreme Idealization: Being placed on a pedestal as a “soulmate” quickly.
      4. Pressure to Overshare: Urging you to share deep personal details prematurely.
      5. Manipulation & Control: Subtly dictating your look, activities, and social life.
      6. Disregarding Boundaries: Deliberately crossing lines you’ve set.
      7. Over-the-Top Gestures: Grand romantic actions that seem disproportionate.
      8. Hypersensitivity to Criticism: Responding with defensiveness or anger to any critique.
      9. Idealizing or Condemning Past Relationships: Either not over an ex or depicting them as entirely bad.
      10. Inconsistencies & Lies: Small lies or exaggerations about themselves to appear more impressive.

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      magazine 18

      “Nobody can be kinder to you than the narcissist, when you react to life on his terms”

      -Elizabeth Bowen

      10 red flags in dating, how to spot a pathological narcissist early to avoid years of suffering

      Ten questions to scan for narcissistic traits

      When on a first date, gently probing with insightful questions can help you discern potential red flags for narcissistic behaviour. While direct confrontation about narcissism may not be effective (and could provoke defensiveness or manipulation), these subtly crafted questions can provide valuable insights into a person’s character and relationship patterns:

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        1. How do you handle disagreements or conflicts in relationships?
          • Look for empathy, understanding, and problem-solving skills.
        2. Can you tell me about a time you apologized?
          • Do you notice any accountability or the ability to admit fault?
        3. How do you support your friends or partners when they’re going through a tough time?
          • Evaluate empathy and the capacity to prioritize others’ needs.
        4. What’s something you’ve learned from your past relationships?
          • Assess introspection and the ability to grow from experiences.
        5. How do you like to spend your free time? Who with?
          • Gauges interests, social connections, and dependence on admiration.
        6. What are your thoughts on personal development and growth?
          • Investigates openness to change and self-improvement.
        7. Have you ever faced a situation where you were wrong? How did you deal with it?
          • Tests the ability to accept responsibility and learn from mistakes.
        8. How do you celebrate the successes of others?
          • Looks for genuine support or hidden jealousy.
        9. Can you describe a challenge you’ve overcome recently?
          • Offers insight into resilience, problem-solving, and potential victim mentality.
        10. What does a balanced relationship look like to you?
          • Checks for understanding and valuing mutual respect and equality.

        These questions encourage open dialogue and provide insight into the person’s character, values, and ability to engage in healthy, reciprocal relationships. Pay attention not only to the content of the answers but also to the tone, body language, and what is not being said, as these can also be revealing.

        If you have any good tips on questions to ask or red flags in dating to beware of, please share them in the comments, so others can benefit form them.

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        Narcissists’ Spying and Stalking Tactics

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        Narcissistic Abuse

        Narcissists’ Spying and Stalking Tactics

        Narcissists’ Spying and Stalking Tactics

        Narcissists' Spying and Stalking Tactics In the shadowy world of narcissistic abuse, one sinister tactic often employed by narcissists is spying and stalking. These manipulative individuals are not just interested in keeping tabs on you; they aim to control, blackmail, and ultimately destroy your reputation. Understanding their methods is crucial for protecting yourself and reclaiming your life. This blog post delves into the various ways narcissists spy on their victims and offers practical steps to safeguard your privacy. The Narcissists Obsession with Spying Narcissists are driven by an insatiable need for control. They thrive on knowing every detail about their victims' lives, using this information to manipulate, intimidate, and humiliate. Their obsession with spying extends beyond mere curiosity; it’s a weapon they wield to maintain power and inflict emotional harm.

        In the shadowy world of narcissistic abuse, one sinister tactic often employed by narcissists is spying and stalking. These manipulative individuals are not just interested in keeping tabs on you; they aim to control, blackmail, and ultimately destroy your reputation. Understanding their methods is crucial for protecting yourself and reclaiming your life. This blog post delves into the various ways narcissists spy on their victims and offers practical steps to safeguard your privacy.

        The Narcissists Obsession with Spying

        Narcissists are driven by an insatiable need for control. They thrive on knowing every detail about their victims’ lives, using this information to manipulate, intimidate, and humiliate. Their obsession with spying extends beyond mere curiosity; it’s a weapon they wield to maintain power and inflict emotional harm.

        Narcissists' Spying and Stalking Tactics In the shadowy world of narcissistic abuse, one sinister tactic often employed by narcissists is spying and stalking. These manipulative individuals are not just interested in keeping tabs on you; they aim to control, blackmail, and ultimately destroy your reputation. Understanding their methods is crucial for protecting yourself and reclaiming your life. This blog post delves into the various ways narcissists spy on their victims and offers practical steps to safeguard your privacy. The Narcissists Obsession with Spying Narcissists are driven by an insatiable need for control. They thrive on knowing every detail about their victims' lives, using this information to manipulate, intimidate, and humiliate. Their obsession with spying extends beyond mere curiosity; it’s a weapon they wield to maintain power and inflict emotional harm.
        Narcissists' Spying and Stalking Tactics In the shadowy world of narcissistic abuse, one sinister tactic often employed by narcissists is spying and stalking. These manipulative individuals are not just interested in keeping tabs on you; they aim to control, blackmail, and ultimately destroy your reputation. Understanding their methods is crucial for protecting yourself and reclaiming your life. This blog post delves into the various ways narcissists spy on their victims and offers practical steps to safeguard your privacy.
        The cunning ways narcissists and psychopaths will stalk and spy on you

        Physical and Digital Surveillance 

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        ^

        Digital Surveillance

        One of the first steps you should take if you’ve been in an intimate relationship with a pathological narcissist is to reset your phone. Narcissists often install spyware, allowing them to read your emails, messages, and even activate your microphone to listen in on your conversations. To ensure your phone is secure, visit a professional who can thoroughly reset your device and eliminate any hidden software.

        ^

        Hidden Cameras

        In some cases, narcissists will blatantly install surveillance cameras, under the guise of security or monitoring household staff. More cunning narcissists will hide these cameras throughout your home, capturing your every move. If you’ve ended a relationship with a narcissist, it’s essential to check for hidden cameras, especially if they have had access to your home since the breakup.

        ^

        Financial Surveillance

        Narcissists are meticulous in tracking their victims’ movements and expenditures. They may insist on seeing your receipts or bank statements, scrutinizing every purchase. This allows them to monitor where you go and what you do, further tightening their control over your life.

        ^

        Exploiting Legal and Institutional Loopholes

        Narcissists might exploit legal and institutional systems to obtain sensitive information in countries with lacks privacy laws.

        With the right connections and resources, narcissists can access your medical records, financial information, and other private data.

        This information can be used to blackmail you or undermine your credibility.

        ^

        Password Protection

        Changing all your passwords is a critical measure. Narcissists can gain access to your computer, apps, and social media accounts. By monitoring your online interactions, they can launch smear campaigns, turning friends and acquaintances against you with subtle, insidious messages. Regularly updating your passwords and using strong, unique combinations can help protect your online presence.

        ^

        Manipulating Your Social Circle

        Narcissists often target your friends and family to gather information about you. They can be exceedingly charming and generous to these individuals, creating a facade that makes it difficult for them to believe your accounts of abuse. By manipulating your social circle, narcissists gather personal details they can later use against you.

        ^

        GPS Tracking

        Monitoring your car’s mileage or GPS data is another tactic. Narcissists want to know where you’ve been and whom you’ve seen, using this information to restrict your freedom and isolate you from potential support systems.

        ^

        Review Control

        They might read all your reviews on booking, amazon, Trip Advisor, Airbnb, etc. To know where you have been, with whom and what you have bought. If that is information you don’t want them to know, it’s best to refrain from leaving reviews. 

        NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY 

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        You’ve Survived Narcissistic Abuse—Now It’s Time to Heal and Reclaim Your Power. Living through narcissistic abuse leaves invisible scars—on your mind, your body, and your spirit. The manipulation, gaslighting,  and constant emotional abuse can disrupt your entire system, leaving you feeling anxious, disconnected, and unable to trust yourself.

        But what if you could break free from the cycle of fear and overwhelm? What if you could reset your nervous system, reclaim your voice, and truly heal? 

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        Protect yourself from the narcissists spying and stalking tactics

        Protecting Yourself: Practical Steps

        Now that we understand the various tactics narcissists use, let’s explore practical steps you can take to protect yourself from their invasive spying and stalking.

        1. Reset Your Devices

        As mentioned earlier, resetting your phone and other digital devices is crucial. Seek professional help to ensure all spyware is removed.

        2. Change Passwords Regularly

        Create strong, unique passwords for all your accounts and change them regularly. Consider using a password manager to keep track of them securely.

        3. Conduct a Physical Sweep

        If you suspect hidden cameras or listening devices, conduct a thorough sweep of your home. Professional services are available to help identify and remove these devices.

        4. Educate Your Social Circle

        Inform your friends and family about the narcissist’s tactics. Encourage them to be cautious about sharing personal information and to report any unusual interactions.

        5. Monitor Your Financial and Medical Records

        Regularly check your financial and medical records for any unauthorized access. Alert your bank and healthcare providers about your situation to add an extra layer of security.

        6. Limit Social Media Activity

        Be mindful of what you share on social media. Avoid posting details about your location, travel plans, or personal life that could give the narcissist ammunition to use against you.

        7. Seek Legal Protection

        In severe cases, consider seeking legal protection, such as restraining orders, to limit the narcissist’s ability to contact or monitor you.

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        The Importance of Awareness

        Awareness is your first line of defense against a narcissist’s spying and stalking. By understanding their tactics and taking proactive steps to protect yourself, you can regain control over your life and minimize the impact of their manipulative behavior.

        The Importance of Awareness Awareness is your first line of defense against a narcissist's spying and stalking. By understanding their tactics and taking proactive steps to protect yourself, you can regain control over your life and minimize the impact of their manipulative behavior.
        The Importance of Awareness Awareness is your first line of defense against a narcissist's spying and stalking. By understanding their tactics and taking proactive steps to protect yourself, you can regain control over your life and minimize the impact of their manipulative behavior.

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        Am I a Narcissist? Self-Assessment Quiz

        Am I a Narcissist? Self-Assessment Quiz

        Narcissistic Abuse

        Am I a Narcissist? Self-Assessment Quiz

        We all have narcissistic traits. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. At its extreme, it’s a disorder characterized by a lack of empathy, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a constant need for admiration. However, it’s essential to recognize that narcissistic traits can also develop in individuals who have been in long-term relationships with narcissists, such as a parent, partner, or close friend. This phenomenon occurs as a coping strategy, where the victim adopts certain narcissistic qualities to survive the relationship or unconsciously mimics the behaviour of a partner or parent over time. 

        It’s also crucial to understand that narcissists often project their own issues onto their victims, convincing them that they are the ones with narcissistic tendencies. This projection can lead victims to question their own sanity and seek therapy, believing they are the problem. A well-informed therapist can often identify the true nature of the abuse and help the victim recognize their own empathetic and loving nature, which the narcissist’s manipulations may have overshadowed.

        This self-assessment questionnaire aims to help you reflect on your own behaviours and tendencies. Remember, having some narcissistic traits does not necessarily mean you are a narcissist. Empathy, the ability to love, to apologize, and to take responsibility for your actions are strong indicators that you may not be a narcissist. Use this tool as a means of self-reflection and understanding.

        AdobeStock 223014243.jpeg?ixlib=rails 4.2

        Narcissism Self-Assessment Questionnaire

        The more statements you agree with, the higher you score on the narcissist spectrum. 
         

        High Narcissistic Tendencies 

        1. I often find it hard to sympathise with people. They have brought their hardships onto themselves. 
        2. I am special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
        3. I am skilled at manipulating others to get what I want.
        4. I expect special treatment.
        5. I have a natural talent for influencing people. 
        6. I have no problem lying if I have a good reason.
        7. Being able to manipulate and control others is a sign of strength, superiority and intelligence. 
        8. It’s natural that people will get hurt if they stand in my way, it’s called collateral damage.
        9. If people I like start changing, I remind them how they should be and help push them back in line. If they change too much, I cut with them.
        10. It’s okay to bend or ignore the rules if it helps me get ahead.
        11. I feel suspicious of people in general, I don’t trust their intentions.
        12. Should they deceive me, I keep sensitive information about people as a backup plan. I’m not to be messed with, and if anyone disrespects me, I can quickly use blackmail or go into full revenge mode. 
        13. I’m almost always right and find it difficult to admit when I’m not.
        14. I often go into attack mode when I feel criticized or questioned.
        15. My goals are primarily focused on personal success and achievement.
        16. I feel uncomfortable when I am not being noticed or appreciated.
        17. I have many areas where I am way ahead of others. 
        18. I sometimes take advantage of others to get what I want.
        19. People should do things my way to save time and headaches.
        20. I get frustrated when things do not go my way.
        21. I know that I am good because people keep telling me so.
        22. I frequently exaggerate my talents or accomplishments. 
        23. If I ruled the world, it would be a better place. 
        24. I can usually talk my way out of any situation.
        25. I like to have authority over other people. 
        26. I insist on getting the respect that I deserve.
        27. I can read people like a book.
        28. Others are often envious of me and talk behind my back.
        29. I dream about achieving great things and being recognized.
        30. I have no problem justifying my actions, even if they are morally questionable.
        31. I don’t share my deep-seated insecurities and vulnerabilities.
        32. I should not be held responsible for other people’s emotional reactions to my behaviour. 
        33. I think women should be women, and men should be men. I cannot stand this wishy-washy grey zone with unclear roles and pronouns.
        34. Sexually, I prefer intensity above intimacy.
        35. I can use sex to get what I want, to get compliments and attention.
        36. I sometimes use sex (or the withholding of it) as a tool to reward, punish or teach my partner a lesson. 
        37. I want proof of my partner’s fidelity, love, and commitment, so I keep testing it.
        38. I have no issue with conflict. I’d rather get what I want than tiptoe abound others’ feelings. 
        39. Most people are pretty pathetic.
        40. I find the silent treatment to be an effective way to get what I want, avoid responsibility or make the other person insecure and wonder if they have done something terrible. 

        Potential Projection

        If you find yourself questioning your narcissistic traits due to feedback from a partner or close associate, remember that projection is a common tactic used by narcissists. A mental health professional can help you differentiate between actual narcissistic traits and those imposed on you by others.

        This self-assessment is a tool for reflection and self-awareness. For a thorough evaluation and support, consulting with a mental health professional specializing in narcissistic abuse is recommended.

         

        How to Recover and Heal

        Should you wish to heal your narcissistic tendencies, it’s best achieved through holistic trauma healing (yes, narcissistic personality traits almost always come from emotional trauma) and self-knowledge. 

        Our comprehensive ”Holistic Trauma Healing Program” and membership community offer effective help and support. Attending the program will increase your self-esteem, inner calm, and security.

         

        #Quiz #AmIANarcissist #SelfAssesmentQuestionaire #Narcissism #NarcissistQuiz #SelfAwareness 

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