How to Safely Leave an Abusive Relationship

Never forget that walking away from something unhealthy is brave, even if you stumble a little on your way out the door.

Staying safe before and after leaving abuse

Safety planning is a crucial step for someone involved in an abusive relationship. These practical plans can help you stay safe while you are still with your abuser, as you prepare to leave, and after the relationship has ended. While still in an abusive relationship, your safety is of primary importance. Safety planning involves how to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action and more.
A good safety plan will have all of the vital information you need and be tailored to your unique situation, and will help walk you through different scenarios.
Although some of the things that you outline in your safety plan may seem obvious, it’s important to remember that in moments of crisis your brain doesn’t function the same way as when you are calm. When adrenaline is pumping through your veins it can be hard to think clearly or make logical decisions about your safety. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you to protect yourself in those stressful moments.

Contact an organization that can help

Most areas have local resources to help victims of abuse. If you are not sure where to start or if you want to talk to someone about planning to leave an abusive relationship, begin with the following resources.

• In the US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233(SAFE)
  Men in the US and Canada can contact The Domestic Abuse Helpline  1-888-743-5754
• In the UK: Women’s Aid 0808 2000 247
  Men in the UK can contact ManKind Initiative
• In Australia: 1800Respect 1800 737 732
  Men in Australia can contact One in Three
• In South Africa: You can call Powa 011 642 4345/6
• Worldwide: The International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies

Discuss with a help organisation if you should move to shelter. Know where to go as you leave and have a backup plan if your partner finds our or the plan gets interrupted.
If you haven’t done so before, start talking to your friends and relatives about your situation. Reach out to someone you trust, or someone you sued to trust before the abuse and ask for help. Try to be specific with what you would like for them to do for you (such as let you stay with them, keep your “escape bag,” call the police for you if you give them a “code word,” etc.)
Most abusers isolate their victims, make them feel helpless and insecure and “train” them to not trust anyone. A big part in healing is to start talking about your situation and the support from friends and family can prove to be crucial when leaving.

Make an escape plan

Establish emergency funds or credit. If your abuser keeps money tightly controlled, withholds money from you, or does not allow you to earn your own money, it can be difficult to establish an emergency fund. Keep any change you can keep, return items to a store for cash back, hide any money given to you as a gift, or find other ways to build some emergency cash. If you can’t get emergency cash, try applying for a credit card in your name, but be sure that you have statements sent to a PO Box, a work address, or even to a friend’s house so that your abuser does not find out. Do not access your credit card account from your home computer.

• Pack and hide a “getaway bag” You should have an emergency bag with necessities in it. Be sure that you hide the bag very well (you may even want to leave it at someone else’s house.) You pack light, but include the following in your bag:
• Changes of clothing for you and any children
• Copies of important documents (birth certificates, passports, driver’s license, bank or credit card account information, pay stubs, social security card(s),

If time is available, also take:

• Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
• Titles, deeds and other property information
• Medical records
• Children’s school and immunization records
• Insurance information
• Addressbook
• Copy of marriage license, birth certificates, will and other legal documents
• Verification of social security numbers
• Medications for you or your children
• Special personal items like photographs, personal possessions or jewellery
• A prepaid cellphone (don’t take your usual cellphone with you as it can be tracked and delete your call and search history before you go)
• Jewellery or other small items you could sell in need of money
• Non-perishable snacks

Gather evidence of abuse

You should certainly not provoke instances of abuse solely to gather evidence, but it may help you take legal action in the future if you do collect evidence of abuse. Take pictures of injuries, destroyed objects, or a room that was trashed during a violent episode, keep bloodied clothing or towels, and collect any documentation about hospital visits due to abuse.
Also advisable to keep detailed a diary of the abuse.
Whenever you are injured in an episode of violence, you should seek medical treatment in the emergency room and keep the records. This could be key to being awarded an order of protection, custody or your children, or a contested divorce.

• Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made, if possible. Keep them in a hidden safe place.
• Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them, like a room with a lock or a friend’s house where they can go for help. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
• Contact a local help organisation to find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis.
• Acquire job skills or take courses at a community college as you can.
• Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.
• Hide an extra car key and make sure it’s still there before you attempt to leave.
• Park the car for quick access, keep the drivers door unlocked (just before you plan to escape) and the other doors locked (unless you have children that you bring with you)
• Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbours, close family members and mutual friends.

Make plans for your pets

Make a plan for pets Too many people (particularly women) stay in an abusive relationship because they fear for what will happen to their pets if they leave. Some shelters may allow you to take a pet with you. If you cannot, you may be able to leave the pet with a neighbor or friend or even take it to a no-kill shelter for safekeeping. In the end, you need to realize that your own life is more important than that of a pet, however difficult that can be to swallow.

Get away quickly without being followed

While you should likely go straight to your safe place (a shelter or to stay with a friend or family member), you may want to take an indirect route and be observant to be sure that you are not being followed. Try to merge into traffic, take side roads, turn around and retrace part of your route, and notice any cars that seem to be going the same way you are going.

Create a false trail after you leave

If you think that your abuser will try to follow you, think about creating a false trail after you have left. Use your own cell phone to place calls to a hotel at least 6 hours away from your true destination. Use a shared credit card or bank account to prepay for the hotel room, and have an email confirmation sent to a shared or monitored email account. You can also book a rental car in the same place or leave a message for a real estate agent and ask her to call you back at your home phone number.
Do not take these steps before you leave, as they could tip your abuser off as to the fact that you are going to leave, which could incite a violent reaction.
If you use your own cell phone to create a false trail, be sure to discard it or abandon it before you get to where you are really going.

Leave during a safe window of time

You should most likely leave while your abuser is away from home (unless a violent episode necessitates an immediate escape). Plan and prepare to leave at a time when your abuser will be out of the house, ideally for a few hours. Give yourself plenty of time to gather your emergency bag and get to a safe place before your abuser even realizes that you are gone.
You do not have to leave a note or an explanation for why you are leaving. It is okay to just leave.
If you do not have access to your own transportation, make arrangements to have someone pick you up. If you fear that you are in imminent danger, you can have the police pick you up and remove you from your home.

Change your work habits

If you have a job, talk to your employer about making changes to ensure your safety. Some states have laws that require employers to make reasonable accommodations for survivors of abuse.[20] Find out if you can change locations, work different hours, or have extra personal security when traveling from your workplace to your vehicle.

Have an unlisted number and confidential address. When you have moved to a new home, get an unlisted home phone number. For mail, get a P.O. Box or ask the post office about your state’s confidential address program. These steps will make it more difficult to track down your specific location.
If you have children, be sure to talk to them about keeping their home address confidential and not sharing it with your abuser or with strangers.

Change all of your passwords

Any account you have online could be a window into personal information. To be safe, change all of your passwords for any account; financial accounts, social media accounts, email accounts, etc. In fact, you may want to disable social media accounts temporarily (or permanently) and change your email address.

Contact an attorney

You will likely need an attorney to support you through the legal battle(s) that you may have to face. If you were married to your abuser, if you had children together, or if you are an immigrant, you will need to make legal changes that an attorney can help with.
If you do not have money, you may still be able to get an attorney. Some attorneys will include a suit for fees from your abuser in the event of a court case in your favor. Some may also take your case “pro bono,” or as an act of charity.

Ask a shelter for guidance or resources

Most shelters will provide guidance towards legal help. Some even offer free legal services for survivors of domestic violence. Even if you are not staying at a shelter, you should contact the organization (most have a help line) to inquire about free or low-cost legal services.
Some organizations help with immigration services for immigrant victims of domestic violence; don’t stay in an abusive situation because you fear deportation. You have the right to be free of violence even if you are an immigrant.

After you leave your abuser
If the offender is leaving your home:

• Change your locks and phone number.
• Change your work hours and usual route to and from work.
• Change the route taken to transport children to and from school.
• If you are leaving or moving to a new residence:
 Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail.
 Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports.
 Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
• Change your work hours, if possible.
• Alert school authorities of the situation.
 Consider changing your children’s schools.
• If you need to get a restraining order, RDAP can help. After you have the order in place:
• Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
 Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
 Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
 Call law enforcement to enforce the order if necessary.
  In general, the following measures can help you stay safe after leaving an abuser.

• Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of.
• Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
• Alert neighbours and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
• Talk to trusted people about the violence.
• Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible.
• Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
• Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
• Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order, if you have one.
• Call the telephone company to request caller ID for any landlines. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your former partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

Planning for Unsupervised Visits


If you have separated from an abusive partner and are concerned for your childrens’ safety when they visit your ex, developing a safety plan for while they are visiting can be beneficial.
Brainstorm with your children (if they are old enough) to come up with ways that they can stay safe using the same model as you would for your own home. Have them identify where they can get to a phone, how they can leave the house, and who they can go to.
If it’s safe to do, send a cell phone with the children to be used in emergency situations — this can be used to call 911, a neighbor or you if they need aid.

Planning for Safe Custody Exchanges

Avoid exchanging custody at your home or your partner’s home.
Meet in a safe, public place such as a restaurant, a bank/other area with lots of cameras, or even near a police station.
Bring a friend or relative with you to the exchanges, or have them make the exchange.
Perhaps plan to have your partner pick the children up from school at the end of the day after you drop them off in the morning – this eliminates the chances of seeing each other.
Emotional safety plan as well – figure out something to do before the exchange to calm any nerves you’re feeling, and something after to focus on yourself or the kids, such as going to a park or doing a fun activity.

How to Have These Conversations

Let your child know that what’s happening is not their fault and that they didn’t cause it. Let them know how much you love them and that you support them no matter what. Tell them that you want to protect them and that you want everyone to be safe, so you have to come up with a plan to use in case of emergencies. It’s important to remember that when you’re safety planning with a child, they might tell this information to the abusive partner, which could make the situation more dangerous (ex. “Mom said to do this if you get angry.”) When talking about these plans with your child, use phrases such as “We’re practicing what to do in an emergency,” instead of “We’re planning what you can do when dad/mom becomes violent.”

How can you get help?

• If you’re pregnant, there is always a heightened risk during violent situations.
• If you’re in a home with stairs, try to stay on the first floor.
• Getting into the fetal position around your stomach if you’re being attacked is another tactic that can be instrumental in staying safe.
• Doctor’s visits can be an opportunity to discuss what is going on in your relationship.
• If your partner goes to these appointments with you, try to find a moment when they’re out of the room to ask your care provider (or even the front desk receptionist) about coming up with an excuse to talk to them one-on-one.
• If you’ve decided to leave your relationship, a health care provider can become an active participant in your plan to leave.
• If possible, see if you can take a women-only prenatal class. This could be a comfortable atmosphere for discussing pregnancy concerns or could allow you to speak to the class instructor one-on-one.

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