10 Red Flags in Dating, How to Spot a Narcissist Early
Written by Ami Elsius
Everyone should know how to spot a narcissist, before going on a first date.
Knowing what to look out for on those first dates can save you from years of misery with a pathological narcissist. One or two red flags might not mean anything, but if you see many of them, please be on guard, as you may be dating a narc.
Remember, narcissists are experts in showing themselves from the very best side in the beginning, appealing to all your romantic dreams and hopes for the future.
In fairytales, there’s a Prince Charming and a bad guy, but in real life, Prince Charming is often the bad guy.
- Love Bombing: Overwhelming affection and attention too soon.
- Fast Pacing: Rushing into commitment or serious topics early.
- Extreme Idealization: Being placed on a pedestal as a “soulmate” quickly.
- Pressure to Overshare: Urging you to share deep personal details prematurely.
- Manipulation & Control: Subtly dictating your look, activities, and social life.
- Disregarding Boundaries: Deliberately crossing lines you’ve set.
- Over-the-Top Gestures: Grand romantic actions that seem disproportionate.
- Hypersensitivity to Criticism: Responding with defensiveness or anger to any critique.
- Idealizing or Condemning Past Relationships: Either not over an ex or depicting them as entirely bad.
- Inconsistencies & Lies: Small lies or exaggerations about themselves to appear more impressive.
“Nobody can be kinder to you than the narcissist, when you react to life on his terms”
-Elizabeth Bowen
Ten questions to scan for narcissistic traits
When on a first date, gently probing with insightful questions can help you discern potential red flags for narcissistic behaviour. While direct confrontation about narcissism may not be effective (and could provoke defensiveness or manipulation), these subtly crafted questions can provide valuable insights into a person’s character and relationship patterns:
- How do you handle disagreements or conflicts in relationships?
- Look for empathy, understanding, and problem-solving skills.
- Can you tell me about a time you apologized?
- Do you notice any accountability or the ability to admit fault?
- How do you support your friends or partners when they’re going through a tough time?
- Evaluate empathy and the capacity to prioritize others’ needs.
- What’s something you’ve learned from your past relationships?
- Assess introspection and the ability to grow from experiences.
- How do you like to spend your free time? Who with?
- Gauges interests, social connections, and dependence on admiration.
- What are your thoughts on personal development and growth?
- Investigates openness to change and self-improvement.
- Have you ever faced a situation where you were wrong? How did you deal with it?
- Tests the ability to accept responsibility and learn from mistakes.
- How do you celebrate the successes of others?
- Looks for genuine support or hidden jealousy.
- Can you describe a challenge you’ve overcome recently?
- Offers insight into resilience, problem-solving, and potential victim mentality.
- What does a balanced relationship look like to you?
- Checks for understanding and valuing mutual respect and equality.
These questions encourage open dialogue and provide insight into the person’s character, values, and ability to engage in healthy, reciprocal relationships. Pay attention not only to the content of the answers but also to the tone, body language, and what is not being said, as these can also be revealing.
If you have any good tips on questions to ask or red flags in dating to beware of, please share them in the comments, so others can benefit form them.
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